One after another, the feelings trapped and squashed like a
fossil
the heart yearning to become brand new
while the old stitches starting to fall off
and rotting memories never letting it heal.
Enough with the complaints and enough with the whining,
a heart is to be broken just like the promises you made,
I am never blaming you
for its me who was blind,
blind throughout the journey I thought was paradisiacal,
I’ll blame my ‘thoughts’.
A huge lesson learnt I said to myself
and never to regret I promised,
but regret is all I feel for time is precious and life is
one short blink,
and honey I gave you my time.
LOVE, you say?
Love for me was breathing
Love for me was dreaming
Love for me was like my mum and dad
Love for me was everything.
A hopeless romantic and wanting to shower with cheesiness
was what meant love for me.
Love was a burlesque for you and look what you’ve done,
Love for me now has become the mockery of every wants I want.
I was a happy child of my parents
with a bright glow on my happy beautiful face,
and now I blame my bad make-up skills
when asked every time by nosy fuckers
who discerns the despairing look I carry
what do I say?
That I’m sad?
That you’re hurting me?
That I’m ugly cause I’m not happy because of you?
You couldn’t understand the words I spoke,
the rants I had to clear your doubts,
the explanations I gave to prove I was loyal,
the verbal quest to show my affection for my job,
the defenses,
I was tired, baby,
and you despised my muteness.
I didn’t drift away from you, you made me drift away from me
distorted was my existence, even my mirror gave up.
My language turned to apologies and that’s all you made me
speak,
I am so sorry,
I am so sorry
for being so immature
I am sorry
for hurting your feelings
I am sorry
for doing what I love
I am sorry
for hanging out with my oldest guy friend
I am sorry
for wearing a tank top
I am sorry
for wearing a skirt just like all the other girls
I am sorry
for not picking my phone up during work
I am sorry
for not replying your text while I had migraine
I am sorry
for not understanding your physical needs
I am sorry
for laughing at your friend’s jokes
I am sorry
for everything, for existing, for being alive, for loving
you.
I am so sorry for loving you.
I am sorry for doing to this to myself.
I am sorry for not knowing my worth
for not knowing you were nothing but trash
for not knowing you were a parasite that lived off me
for exaggerating your value while it never existed
for hoping a pile of shit to turn to lilies.
Dear love, I loved you,
and I am really sorry that I did.
-Jyotsna Yogi
